To be loved

The other night I marveled over a cup ofimg_1314 tea at the best reality show I have ever watched on television! I recommend it to anyone interested. It’s a dating reality show called the Undateables  I was swept in emotion and found myself cheering on the young gentlemen wining and dining possible suitors.Heartbreaks were as equally common as the starting of new relationships and the realities of life were experienced with no modification by the people with disabilities that take part in the show. It made me think about how dating for people with disabilities is still widely taboo in Zimbabwe and very much frowned upon.

Over many conversations with family, friends and acquaintances who find an interest in special needs, it is more evident that people with disabilities are viewed as not being
capable of heterosexual relationships and marriage.  During one of my counselling/ consultation sessions with a parent whose daughter is on the autistic spectrum, the idea of relationships with men was a difficult one for her. Her daughter, a 25 year old had started to take a fancy to some men she saw on television and her mother strongly discouraged this.The old age belief that people with disabilities should not date, marry or reproduce is denying one the potential to live life fully.

Dating back to Plato, the idealistic belief was that people with disabilities stood in the way of a perfect world. The view was “the offspring of the inferior or the
better when they chance to be deformed, will be put away in some mysterious unknown place as they should be ” (Mackelprang & Salsglver, 1996). Over the 17th to the 19th century Judeo-Christianity linked disability with the consequences of sin and further on, people with disabilities were believed to be capable of molding into less threatening , more acceptable people (Rothman, 1971). Eugenics and Darwinism emphasized selective reproduction, dominance of hereditary abilities and disabilities and further encouraged reproduction of socially desirable individuals whilst discouraging “undesirable”reproduction. Atrocities such as forced sterilization are believed as being a protective measure for women with disabilities. It is also a common belief in Zimbabwe that if a child is born with a disability, it is because of the mother’s genes.

Every human being deserves to be loved and to give love. That parent believed that she was protecting her child from possible rejection, hurt and believed her daughter will always remain her daughter and nothing more. Ultimately her daughter is a human being capable of love, denying her the opportunity or choice of love, marriage and reproduction is denying her humanity and rights. As a special needs specialist it is my role to teach people with disabilities how to communicate and understand these emotions, to reduce the stigma and worry that comes with over protectiveness,  to accept these aspects of people with disabilities and not to deny or suppress them.

There are many controversies surrounding this topic, all with justifiable reasons for and against, I encourage parents to allow their children in adulthood to make the decision to love and be loved.